Crouching Tiger, Hidden Swedish Meatball

I was in New York when the Tiger story broke, at first most people thought that it was a genuine accident and the media was making too much fuss over it. It was unbelievable how many channels were covering the news ~ hypothesis ~ pure gossip ~ speculation ~ridiculous claims ... and what was stunning was all of that generally turned out to be very close to the truth. OMG, even WSJ has it as a front page story.

Tiger Woods is a phenom as a golfer. It seems no one can touch him. When I was playing poker in Sydney Star City, we all got to talking about Tiger Woods making an appearance in Melbourne for a big golf competition. Funnily two of them paid A$650 for a 4 day package to go to the course, mainly to see Tiger play... and one of them was the croupier! The prize money for the winner of that tournament was around A$1m I think ... Tiger was reportedly paid A$3m as an appearance fee. Many may choke with that kind of fee just for appearing, but organisers do make that sum back easily with the added crowd wanting to see him play, the additional media coverage and enthusiasm from sponsors and advertisers.

Most people respect Tiger as easily the best golfer ... ever. Try as you may the trash media has never found much dirt in his personal life. Many thought he just played golf, went home, hit balls as practice for another few hours, go to the gym, does not drink ... where does he get the time to do any philandering? Well, I guess when you really want to, you find the time.

Tiger's will to win may be attributable to a high level of testosterone, somebody should check his level, probably higher than normal. But higher testosterone = higher libido and sex drive = recipe for shenanigans.

As in any newsworthy event that captures the imagination, lewd, silly, disrespectful jokes would spring up like daisies on a pile of manure. Enjoy .... (btw, Tiger, you are still OK in my books ... you at least showed me you are just a guy, fallible and human after all ... after all you didn't fucked with me, go and manage your private affairs and learn to be better and more responsible, cheers.. kop khun kaap). Btw, the wife's name is Elin.

• The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."
• PING has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.
• What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

There are jokes about the affair rumors:

• Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?
• Tiger's other women aren't misstresses. They're provisionals.
• Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

And jokes about Tiger's car crash started surfacing within minutes of the initial reports of the accident, including these:

• Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
• What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
• Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
• Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

• Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."
• Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."

How do you tell Tiger Woods ball's from the other golfer's ... HIS HAS TEETH MARKS ON THEM,,,,,,,

What is the difference between tiger woods and santa? Answer: Santa only has three Ho's!

Tiger Woods was leaving the house, his wife asked him where are you going,,, He said,,,,, I wont be long honey,,,, I'm only going to do 3 holes today,,,,,

Once you have white, you never go black.

Now For Some Accounting Humour!

You cannot really have business and finance humour without hitting on the accountants, so here goes:

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he does not have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

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Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

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Q. Why do audit firms only have 10 minute coffee breaks?
A. If the breaks were longer, they'd have to retrain all the staff.

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A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

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There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x10¹."

The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.

The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"

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How accountants do it...
Accountants do it by the book.
Accountants do it within budget.
Accountants do it to the bottom line.
Accountants do it with double entries.
Accountants do it between spreadsheets. Accountants are Certified to do it in Public.
Accountants do it without losing their balance.

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You might be an Accountant if...

you had no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.

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during the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation in your head.

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p/s photos: Suzanne Sae

Party Pills On The Rise

Now, read the headline again. That was the front page headline in The Star today. I do find it exasperating to read mainstream media because I always have to categorise them in my mind first as genuine news reporting, or opinions, or half truths or just plain propaganda. Hence reading msm is not an enjoyable task anymore.

I had to write about the headline in The Star today, because you see the word "party" you naturally think its another story about politics. When you read on its actually about designer drugs and drug use among the youth and young adults.

Imagine if it WAS about backbenchers in certain Malaysian political parties!!! I had to laugh when I saw the headline because if its about political parties, ... its damn funny man .... ; ) ... Party Pills On The Rise... of course, you know why they are called "pills"... because they are a bloody nuisance, they are supposedly good for you but damn hard to take, and fucking hard to swallow and to keep down. Now thats funny!!!


p/s photos: Agnes Monica

Demystifying Hell - Exothermic Or Endothermic

I was reminded of the funniest email I got a few years back. It must have made its way a couple of times around the world and re-enter my mailbox again. It had to be a true story because it would take so much effort to think up one from scratch.


The following was an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct.... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


p/s photo: JJ

Interesting Political & Biz Cartoons

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Why Science & Maths Must Be Taught In English

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to Make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do Bars have parking lots and car jockeys?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around Several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?? Human ???



p/s photos: I have no idea who she is, anyone care to help out?